GET A DIVORCE FROM UNLOVING PARENTS

toxicI have read many self-help books written by people who had the parents we all wish for—these books are helpful because they describe a parenting style—supportive and loving—that sets the tone for a child to develop into a competent adult with high self-esteem.

And in describing the parenting style it empowers the reader of such books to clone, as it were, that style—becoming their own loving parent—the one they never had.

Even better, I have read self-help books by people who had horrible abusive parents…and these people become best selling self help authors, just as the ones who had loving parents.

So, which one are you? As you see, it matters not what circumstances you came from—either upbringing can lead you to the success and joy you want as an adult

Get a loving divorce from un-loving parents – by releasing the defeating messages, your parents’ legacy.

Have you ever heard a successful person credit their parents’ unconditional love as the key to their success? Have you felt jealous? “You see, they had good parents so naturally they have a happy life, are wealthy, have a wonderful partner….Wish that was true for me.”

Guess what, just as many successful people had awful parents who told them they were no good, grew up in foster homes with no parents to speak of, or with criminal drug addict parents, or worse.

How is that possible? Because you can use your past as you choose to use it. Those who’ve succeeded at their life’s mission in spite of “bad” parents, have decided to make that the very reason, or motivation for their own success—their key to empowerment. But they’ve become their own unconditionally loving parents, by the way they think and the way they treat themselves.

 Learn to release the messages from those who raised you—messages limiting your joy, success, ability to live the life you want and deserve. Conversely, keep any helpful, encouraging messages from mom, dad, and others you met in childhood, highschool, college, or elsewhere.

Keep in mind, the “divorce” from those who raised you cannot be an angry one, because then they still have emotional hooks in you. Make it a loving divorce, acknowledging those who raised you did all that they could with what they knew at the time.

Accept Compliments: doing so fosters your enjoyment of the transformational process.

Compliments are a form of prosperity, of wealth, even better than the material kind, and they lead to more treasure—material and spiritual.

Do you shun compliments for what you’ve done, feeling “I did not do that well”, or “That person does not know how much better I can do”, or “That just was not very good so I don’t accept their compliment”. Well, this will keep you performing poorly. Learn to accept compliments with grace—they are a gift—better yet, give one back. The good vibes keep flowing with mutual compliments. Rejecting compliments, outwardly or in your own thoughts or feelings, hinders the flow of creativity and energy.

So, rejoice in the ability to accept a compliment—respect the giver as the insightful person who loves and cares to support your good efforts—and love yourself for those efforts. Your powers of productivity and love will double or triple. With that power you can hone your skills, increase your self belief, and  sustain energy for intensive training, practicing, art or whatever you have planned for the day.

From a favorite of mine, Blaise Pascal

time heals grief

This Blaise Pascal quote seems simple, and not all that earthshaking at first, but breaking it down, I find that pain of loss, grief, is from mourning that fact that you are no longer the same and vainly trying to be–like a baby insisting on getting their own way–like you were before the person died.

When I read this quote I was renewed, freed of grief for that instant I understood its deeper ramifications.

 

To know that I am in fact no longer the same person, gives me the joy of accepting who I am in the present.  It empowers me to know that there is only the present.  Humans trying to make something stick –trying to make life like a painting that never changes–is what causes the suffering and grief.

Flowing as a LIVE person empowers and mitigates the suffering.  Being in a painting or old photo is only pain and despair, and it is a lie because it isn’t real–you aren’t a real person when you try to pretend that painting or photo of a vision of some sort of perfect life, a fairy tale life, will sustain you.

I need to know that my loved ones who’ve gone would not want me to cling to old photos, that they were once vital in the here and now, loving life, not fixated to a false fairy tale of a life…and they want me to be vital too.  They want more for me than they had.  They want me to live in what they only glimpsed could be–a life fully empowered, with full capacity for joy, success, inner peace and love within my family and my community.

These things I have shared allow me to let go, yet keep the memories and learnings of the person and the past.

Maybe this post will help one of you who also suffers because your life isn’t the fairy tale you hoped for, or thought it should be–a picture painted (probably in childhood) on your psyche–a picture that never was and never can be real.

A picture that your mommy and daddy would be pleased to know you have flown beyond.

 

 

I’ll Send All My Loving, to You

Yes, it’s a Beatles song…not a very good time for me, since i played yesterday at a coffee house and was pretty miserable about the many mistakes I made in my songs.

So I figured the best thing to do is send love to YOU.  That, is, you, who are reading this.

Why would i do that?  It is better than withholding love, or spreading hate..  After living over half a century I finally just learned what happens when you withhold your love..

If you have a falling out, or a “neutral” relationship with someone in your family or even a former friend or the like, and that person dies…you will be in a lot of emotional turmoil if you never attempt to repair that rift.  That happened to me.

My mother who recently passed was not close to me as an adult.  As a child, I worshiped the ground she walked on, but as the years went by, she–a devout Christian–began to proselytize more and more:  a big turn off to me since I am a Zen kinda person who thinks that much religion divides and causes war.

So, as a result of this I did not show love to her.  Not that I was mean, but in the last few decades it was “How are you..Fine…ok bye” (typical phone conversation).

Now in that most wise hindsight, here is what I could have done, which I call “the loving way” to deal with people who you have a rift with .

I could have said “I respect your religion and I want to love you, I DO love you, you were a great mom when i was a little girl, and I have amazing memories of the wonderful magic you brought into my life, but now it feels like we are cut off emotionally from each other.  I don’t want that.  I would like it if you would accept that I have different views, and if you would accept ME as i am, i.e. a “non-believer” then I think our rift could be healed.”

I am not sure exactly what would be said…it doesn’t really matter.  The point is, I could have said ANYTHING, and it would have been better than her dying without me ever saying that it hurt to be cut off from each other, It would have been better to just cry with her, to talk to her about how hard it was to have an SOB for a husband, to tell her that I always felt she was so much better than me, what with her exercising every day and always eating small portions.

So, the take away from this is, it you have a rift with someone, especially a parent, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.  You will be so much better off after they die, you will have a memory of them that will rest in peace, rather than a memory that is full of anguish and guilt.

Jus’sayin’

Peace with my Past

All my life I have had this sad feeling whenever i think of anything past, people who’ve gone, jobs lost, a lost time in my life.  Today i will reframe this — I don’t like the sad feeling, like things were good then but now nothing matter,  That is an habitual response whenever something triggers a connection to a past person or time or place.  Currently i have a new response when those feelings are triggered. I have researched physics and other writings about time- that it is an illusion – this concept enables me to be free from pain about the past or wistful nostalgia – as if those times were better.  Since my mom died recently it is more clear than ever to me, that the present is all we have. And the “have my cake and eat it too” in all this is: Since there is only now, all those things that trigger in my memory are not really PAST.  They are all part of the here and now, not gone.  Feelings i had then, i have now, if i choose to.  Feelings of pain about the past, or regrets, become suddenly light weight and no longer have power to depress me, once i realize there is only now and that all that has happened, will happen and is happening is all RIGHT NOW. That all i AM is here and now – I am not the past, nor defined by it, nor a victim of it, anymore than if i were to see a movie in which a person was victimized and from then on i would be a victim.

When you think of the tiny dot of time that humans have been alive, it is easier to realize that my tiny amount of time on earth, my past, present and future is all one event, not some long drawn out linear thing… This is going somewhere…umm…it means that the pain, the draining of motivation, that accompanies thoughts and feelings about past things…can be obliterated… How can that be?  Here is how; When i think of a past thing, like my mom in the kitchen when i was 5, since i come from the vantage point that time is an illusion, i don’t need to feel some deep sadness that my mon died or that i am no longer this little child without the harsh experiences of an adult. because really when I was 5  i was also 50, and when i am 50 i am also 5.  I have access to all times, feelings, happiness, innocence, to the blazingly bright and perfect worldview of that little girl, only now with the wisdom of a zen guru added in, making live all the more amazing and opened to all the best infinite possibilites.

The past no longer has to be suppressed – i used to suppress thots or feelings about the past –that can be triggered in many ways, many times a day: a song, a photo, driving by a place i lived before.  I suppressed the feelings because i wanted to prove how the past didn’t matter, that i was smarter now and did not care about it.  The suppressing ate up my energy and enjoyment of the present.

But now i don’t have to suppress it. that means i can be in power in the present, allow the feelings to occur, and acknowledge they are part of the here and now, not some past tragic/happy thing that is gone forever..then if they help me do better in the here and now I enjoy the feelings/thoughts  of the past, if they don’t help, i say to myself – that is an illusion just as time is an illusion – that event from 1960 or whatever is not determining my here and now, except to the extent i can learn from it…